Be prepared for crowds.

Needless to say, I got longwinded. Here, unedited, are the emails I sent him.

Random stuff to bring, other than the obvious stuff (bike, shoes, helmet, kit):

• A pump (you’ll want to run your tires pretty low)
• A complete change of clothes — you’re going to be filthy.
• A towel or robe for a hint of modesty while you’re changing
• Cash (for waffles and frites and a cowbell for your lady)

Get there early so you can get your number and pin it on. Numbers on the left — I think they have a mannequin that shows how they’re supposed to be pinned on. Since you’re racing beginner, the course will be open — ride twice at least. Try to ride it really fast at the end, because the start of the race is the fastest part of the race.

Pass as many people as you can at the start of the race when things get bottled up in corners. There will be openings on the left and right. If it’s faster to run, then run!

Push a big gear rather than spin in a little one — you’ll go faster and be more stable.

Hold your line in corners as best you can.

Laugh when you crash.

When you lift your bike, grab it by the top tube and keep your elbow between you and the seat. Otherwise, you can’t lift it very high.

The race will string out. If won’t be a huge pack for very long — maybe a half lap. When it strings out, just start picking guys off one by one.

In deep, loose mud, keep pedaling and look 10 yards ahead instead of down at your wheel.

You’ll bump into guys. Rub wheels. Get knocked off balance. Don’t stop, don’t stop pedaling. Don’t clip out. You’ll be amazed what kind of traffic and argy-bargy you can ride through.

If you DO get off your bike, especially at the barriers, don’t swing it around and block the way. Keep it pointing in the direction of the course. Turn it 90 degrees, and you’ll hit someone and they’ll probably knock you down (intentionally or not).

Open a beer when you get home, go outside and clean your bike. Don’t wait. Squirt the mud off with a hose, then wash it with a brush and a little dishsoap (or carwash soap, whatever). Don’t blast your bottom bracket or hubs with the hose. I use two cheapo plastic bristle dish brushes — one for the oily drivetrain, and one for the rest of the bike. Once it’s clean, put some lube on your chain, open another beer, and when you’re halfway done with the beer, wipe the excess lube off with a rag.

Pull all the grass out that gets wrapped around the spindles of the bottom bracket and the wheel hubs.

Wipe down your rims.

You won’t need knickers unless you’re going to Bend. You might consider knee warmers for warm-up, but you won’t need them for the race. You might be cold for your first warm-up lap, but you’ll be A-OK after that.

There are two types of carries:

• the “suitcase” is where you just pick up the bike by the top tube and lift it just enough to get over the barriers. That’s where you want to keep your elbow between you and the bike. If your elbow goes wide, it ends up over the seat and you cant lift it very high. It’s a silly thing to emphasize, but hitting your wheels on the barrier can spin you around and knock you off balance.
• Shouldering is for run-ups or any longer run (like on sand or a crazy off-camber section where no one has traction), and yeah, just throw it over your shoulder.
• You can also push your bike. LOTS of people do that, and it’s a good technique on a super-slippery off-camber section like we might face at PIR. When you push your bike, you can kinda use it for balance. Personally, I don’t like to push my bike on run-ups — I just feel faster and more bad-ass to shoulder it. On barriers, I just suitcase it.

Oh, and this’ll be obvious, but wash your kit within 24 hours. The funk from these courses is BRUTAL if you let it sit. I ended up tossing a pair of shorts last year that I didn’t wash soon enough after Astoria.

And I can’t emphasize this part enough: the race starts FAST, then normalizes. So if you’re red-lined within a minute, just hang on and push as long as you can. Eventually, it’ll string out and you’ll settle into a crazy hard pace, but one that you can hold for 40 minutes. And that’s why doing a SUPER hard warm-up is so important. You want to red-line a few times in warm-up to prime the pump. I just say that because it can be discouraging for the first few minutes of the first race to be like, “WTF? Seriously? Am I THAT slow?” You’re not. It starts insanely hard.

Have fun! Cyclocross should make you feel 100 feet tall, 10 years old, and bullet proof. That said, leave it all on the course — you can rest when you’re dead.

1. The Welcome-Home
2. The Gotta-Get-To-Work
3. The Batman
4. The Batsman
5. The De-Cleater
6. The Stoners
7. The Wall
8. The Picnic
9. The Climber
10. The Ambush

“Tell you what. Next time you’re in your car, get up to 50 mph, strip down to your underwear, then jump out the door. That’s what it’s like to crash in a professional bike race.”

I am a HUGE fan of Jonathan Vaughters and everyone at Garmin-Chipotle.

Specifically, Dave Zabriskie is hilarious.

“On the second leg of the flight, I got upgraded and things seemed to be looking up. I was watching the Golden Compass waiting to see those big bears with armor. Then, the stewardess announces that they are going to reboot the system because some of the movies aren’t working for people. Well, after the reboot, mine stopped working.

Now I’m reading Sky Mall magazine – I’m reading the details of an emergency generator. It can do everything – even charge your ipod. That’s what I would do in an emergency. I would charge my ipod.

Jonathan Vaughters is well-spoken.

David Millar is passionate.

And GC’s GC hope Christian Vandevelde is, from what I remember from Vandevelde’s 2004 Tour diary on Velonews, is all three.